Izzy Tornado

Short stories with a comical twist on the daily obstacles, aka adventures, of parenthood

Tag: milk

A Baby’s Early Puberty – The Acne Party

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On November 3, 2022

In 08 Months Old, Dora's Stories

At 8 months old, I got my first taste of early puberty—acne of various sizes emerged from the least expected areas – Hand, Foot, and Mouth. I even felt some in my armpit and in between my buttcrack. The acne infestation resulted in a 102 fever and body aches. Every movement felt painful; even my usual magical power was useless. While the burning sensation spread from my chest to my head, my parents thought it would be fun to inject cherry syrup, called “medicine” in my mouth EVERY FEW HOURS.

Oh, my mouth, my poor mouth.

Do you know what’s worse than having two pimples in the back of your mouth that you can’t reach? – Staring at a warm bottle of milk but unable to drink it because the excruciating pain from suckling outweighs hunger. Even my favorite pacifier was useless during this week-long event while my mouth hosted the Acne Party.

Can you imagine how much screaming was involved when I was hungry, sleepy, and in pain – all day?

Luckily, after a week, the Acne Party finally packed its bags to find a new victim, leaving behind a trail of tears and scars. If this is early puberty, I can’t even imagine what teenage puberty will be like.

Can I always be a baby?

Stop Stealing My Milk

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On August 23, 2021

In 05 Months Old, Izzy's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

I crawl towards the kitchen on all fours. As a 5-month-old, I am not strong enough to walk yet. “Wahh,” a whimper escapes my mouth. I’m hungry. Where’s Mommy? She just left me in the bedroom.

I turn the corner into the kitchen. Mommy is already holding a baby bottle in one hand against her chest and a formula scoop in the other. “I’ll be there soon!” she shouts as if I was far away.
Yay, it will be meal time soon! I wonder how much she will give me this time.
She dips the scoop in the purple container on the table and lifts it back up, full to the brim with formula.

Drool escapes my mouth as I look up from the floor at the kitchen entrance.

Mommy slowly moves the scoop higher, from waist height towards her chest where the bottle opening is. She raises the scoop higher, past the bottle. Why is she doing that? Her mouth opens wide. She plops the contents in her mouth!
She smacks her lips and starts humming.
“Wahh!” I exclaim. How could she!?
Mommy turns towards me, startle. She chuckles and said, “Thanks for sharing your formula, Izzy. Milk is almost ready.”
She proceeds to prepare my milk, dumping three scoops of powder in the baby bottle.
Crying uncontrollably, I cannot forgive her. She shoves the warm bottle of milk in my mouth. My milk is never safe. How do I stop people from stealing my milk!

Where Can I Buy Sleep?

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On August 2, 2021

In 02 Months Old, Izzy's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

Do you know how hard it is to keep up with my reputation as a 2-month-old baby? After birth, I have to learn how to eat, sleep AND poop – all the while looking cute. It is exhausting. Especially since I have to wake up every two hours screaming my lungs out to get a sip of warm milk. What does one have to do to get a drink around here?! Suck a toe? Why can’t they just buy me a bigger stomach so I can drink more and sleep for a full day?

At this stage, due to the multiple interruptions, I only get to sleep 15 hours total.

Don’t even get me started about lack of sleep. A lot of people told Mommy to “cherish this stage because babies grow up fast.” I was astonished. Do these people not like to sleep? I cannot comprehend why parents would trade a full day’s sleep for 20-minute naps every two hours to tend to a baby; of course, it worked well in my favor. Sometimes, these parents even give up sleep to clean the house!

They do know that baby bottles and laundry just clean themselves, right?

I use 10-12 bottles a day and sometimes projectile vomit on the floor. Everything just self-cleans when I wake up without having to lift a pinky. The life of a grown-up is too confusing. Can I go back to sleep now? Or tell me where I can buy more sleep. Please add it to my online shopping cart while I nap. I’ll pick it up in two hours.

Baby’s VIP Dining Experience

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On January 23, 2021

In 01 Month Old, Dora's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

Below is a conversation between Daddy and the 1-Month-Old Hurricane Dora before breakfast.

Baby: Waah (whimpering)

Daddy: Welcome to Mommy Cafe. Did you make a reservation today?

Baby: Waaahhh (cries – level 1)

Daddy: I will put you on the waiting list. The head chef will be here shortly (Mommy is in the restroom)

Baby: Wah Waaahhh (louder cries – level 2)

Daddy: Yes, she is coming. Your meal will be ready soon. Today, we are serving the finest liquid gold with a hint of aged steak and baked asparagus.

Baby: Wah Wahhh Waaahhh (fist-fighting and screams – level 3)

Daddy: I know, it’s taking a little longer. There is no need to get physical. Yes, you are speaking to the head manager. Your complaint has been noted.

Baby: Wah Argh Wahhh Argh Waaahhh (kicking and high pitch screams – level 4)

(Mommy sat down on the rocking chair and getting ready to nurse)

Daddy: The head chef is ready. We have a mandatory dress code. Here is your bib before your meal. Enjoy (Daddy handed the Baby to Mommy)

Baby: Humph, humph (catching her breath while drinking large gulps of milk)

Beware of Pacifier Burglars

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On October 31, 2020

In 02 Years Old, Izzy's Stories

Having never been dependent on fake boobs as a newborn, I always pushed the pacifier out with my tongue – it was just not natural, you know? It doesn’t taste exceptionally good (nor bad), it doesn’t have milk – it doesn’t do anything! What’s the point? However, after a few weeks, I realized having something to suck on was not bad after all, and I became fond of it.

Sometimes, I even close my eyes, imagining guzzling down an unlimited stream of milk.

Fast forward two years later. The day started as usual – I showed the parents how to pull the pillows and covers off the bed when they woke up, but they are so stubborn! They kept picking them back up.

I jumped on the bed as usual, but this time, I tripped over a pillow and hit the footboard – headfirst.

Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I screamed in pain. Blood flooded my mouth while Daddy inspected my chin, lips, and mouth. He mumbled about pacifiers and a loose front tooth, and then Mommy scurried away.

Oh, the horrors I had to bear that day.

Every sip of water sent shockwaves up my head. Even eating my favorite bowl of soft mac and cheese was painful. As if that wasn’t bad enough, all the pacifiers disappeared; it was as if they grew legs and fled the crime scene. I couldn’t find them in the kitchen cabinets and dishwasher, not even the secret stash underneath the crib.

They didn’t even let me suck goodbye.

All I did was jump on the bed – why did they take off? Have I not been punished enough already?

These heartless parents – they didn’t even try to help me look for them during bedtime. After three hours of outcry, they finally turned on one of my favorite cartoons at 1 AM to distract me – it worked. I was halfway through the second episode when I fell asleep snuggling in between the parents.

It took four days to accept my fate that I will never get to see my beloved pacifiers again.

I hope that they are having a good time, wherever they have gone.

A few days later, I overheard Daddy telling his friends about “taking away the pacifier cold turkey.” Did a cold turkey steal my pacifiers? Talk about the worst day of my life.

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