Author: Izzy Tornado Page 1 of 7

Attack of the Naughty Crocodile

On November 11, 2022

“Wroar!” The booming roar escaped my lungs as I held my baby crocodile. I am the most powerful two-year-old!

“Are you excited to see crocodiles at the park today?” Mommy asks, peering at me in the rearview mirror.

“Yes!” I eagerly reply as the crocodile swims in the air.

After a long time, we finally arrived at the crocodile park. I quickly scan the perimeter; there is a giant crocodile painting on the wall but no real crocodiles.

Please don’t tell me this is it, as tears form in my eyes.

“Please come to the waiting area for your crocodile tour,” someone bellows in the overhead speakers. The tears disappeared as quickly as they came. Mommy holds my hand as we walk towards the door, passing a litter of pigs.

Kids are standing on a deck, looking through a fence. My head turns towards their gaze. There is a small lake to the left of the swamp; two giant crocodiles are waiting in the shallow water. The tour guide walks towards the lake with a stick clamping onto a piece of raw chicken.

“Honey, come over,” he shouts.

He waves the stick above the massive crocodiles’ heads. One of them jumps onto shore, its short, strong legs digging into the ground while it arches its upper body up, mouth wide open, reaching for the chicken. That one must be Honey.

“Come here, girl,” the tour guide says calmly, luring Honey closer to the fence where I was standing. The crocodile snaps at the tour guide’s legs. Luckily, he jumps back just in time. “No chicken for you,” the tour guide puts the chicken into a bucket and pokes the empty stick on the crocodile’s back, pushing it into the water.

Out of nowhere, I hear a big splash behind me and then a bellowing hiss.

I turn around and found another crocodile against the fence, trying to reach the deck.

“Down!” I screamed while the other kids hid behind me. My fingers point to the ground.

“Get down!” I confidently shout—the crocodile retreat into the water, its beady eyes peering slightly above the surface.

“Down!” I stomp my feet while the crocodile continues to glare at me. No chicken for you if you don’t behave.

“Good job, Izzy,” Mommy says proudly. “You are so brave!”

See! I AM the most powerful! As we enjoy the rest of the tour, I search the perimeter for more naughty crocodiles.

NOTE: After the 1.5-hour tour, we sat by the resting area as they passed around baby crocodiles, lizards, and snakes. Izzy was screaming in terror and refused to touch them. I guess she can only handle adult crocodiles!

My Public Bathroom Fetish

By Izzy Tornado

On October 2, 2021

In 03 Years Old, Izzy's Stories

Okay, I admit it. I am attracted to bathrooms. Specifically pubic bathrooms. This newfound fetish started with the 7-day road trip when it dawned on me that I could no longer fake it anymore. Since 18-months-old when Mommy started potty training me, I always knew the concept of bathrooms and doing my business in toilets.

But knowing did not mean I had to DO IT.

Fast forward 18 months later (now three years old), I am successfully still in diapers. But no way am I going to sit in a wet diaper on the car ride. I can’t even stand a drop of water on my shirt.

After four hours in my car seat, I was ready for the first bathroom stop and announced, “Potty!”. It was exhilarating watching Mommy fumbling on the map looking for the next exit while Daddy screaming, “HOLD IT!” Once we arrived at the gas station, Mommy and I bolted to the restroom.

Although it started as a necessity, it grew into an obsession.

I take every opportunity to check out the public toilets at the parks, restaurants, and gas stations. Even when I didn’t need to go. Of course, the parents never rejected me either. The word “potty” has some sort of magic to it that catches their attention and makes them drop whatever they’re doing to oblige to my command.

I just don’t know what it is about public bathrooms that are so attractive.

Perhaps I like the guessing game when Mommy points at the different placards on the doors, Men or Women. Or because Mommy always proudly cheered me on when I made a big dump; some things just never change. Or perhaps I enjoy the various bathroom designs across the nation, making mental notes to incorporate in my future lavatory. It would be very nice to have a bathroom with built-in sensors for the toilet, soap dispenser, door, sink, lights, and a full-body blow dryer – who needs towels anyways?

One thing I do know for sure – I never want to go into a men’s bathroom again, especially at gas stations where cleanliness is nonexistent.

I did so well refusing to pee, poop or toot in the diaper during the entire road trip that Mommy decided to hide my diapers when we finally arrived at my grandparents’ home. But it didn’t last long because I regressed to my old ways. Why should I stop eating or playing with my toys when I can just “let it go”? You know, following Frozen’s instructions.

Poopie Series: Where Are My Marbles?

By Izzy Tornado

On October 2, 2021

In 03 Years Old, Izzy's Stories

Ugh, my tummy hurts. But I am almost done with the puzzle!

I place the piece with Peppa’s head in the empty spot, completing the set. As a 3-year-old, this was an easy puzzle.

Where’s Mommy?

I start taking steps towards the couch. With every movement, my stomach pain subsides. Plop. Plop. Plop.

Mommy’s pounding footsteps echo from the hallway; she is heading to the living room.

I hope this won’t be as bad as the time I put my Little People figure on the toy potty, but I ended up unconsciously peeing on the playmat. I look down and cringe. Mommy appears in front of me while I pick up the nearest toy.

She stops in her tracks, a confused look on her face. Pointing to the floor, she asks, “Izzy, where did you find chocolate?”

Phew, she thinks it’s chocolate.

I watch closely as her eyes widen in disbelief. She glances at me, then back at the brown Hansel and Gretel pebble trail on the floor. This is bad.

She lets out a loud yelp and uses paper towels to pick up three round feces off the floor. I guess they do look like chocolate truffles.

Mommy grabs me and runs to the bathroom, yelling, “Help!” Who is she calling to? Isn’t Daddy at the grocery store again?

She quickly pulls my shirt off, carefully checking for residue before throwing it in the laundry. Should I warn her?

Then she swiftly pulls my panties down. Too late.

Feces the size of marbles scatter the floor, rolling across the bathroom like they were trying to run away.

Wow, I did poop a lot this time. Potty training is a challenging exercise for Mommy, although I did give her a 7-day break.

“Izzy, don’t move.” Mommy scolds as she picks up the hundreds of pebbles with toilet paper. “I am disappointed in you.”

“I’m d-pointed too,” I mumble the new word.

With a sigh, she hugs me tightly, “Don’t do it again, okay?” she says in a tired voice.

“Okay,” I reply with a big smile when she turns on the shower for my second bath today.

Stop Stealing My Milk

By Izzy Tornado

On August 23, 2021

In 05 Months Old, Izzy's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

I crawl towards the kitchen on all fours. As a 5-month-old, I am not strong enough to walk yet. “Wahh,” a whimper escapes my mouth. I’m hungry. Where’s Mommy? She just left me in the bedroom.

I turn the corner into the kitchen. Mommy is already holding a baby bottle in one hand against her chest and a formula scoop in the other. “I’ll be there soon!” she shouts as if I was far away.
Yay, it will be meal time soon! I wonder how much she will give me this time.
She dips the scoop in the purple container on the table and lifts it back up, full to the brim with formula.

Drool escapes my mouth as I look up from the floor at the kitchen entrance.

Mommy slowly moves the scoop higher, from waist height towards her chest where the bottle opening is. She raises the scoop higher, past the bottle. Why is she doing that? Her mouth opens wide. She plops the contents in her mouth!
She smacks her lips and starts humming.
“Wahh!” I exclaim. How could she!?
Mommy turns towards me, startle. She chuckles and said, “Thanks for sharing your formula, Izzy. Milk is almost ready.”
She proceeds to prepare my milk, dumping three scoops of powder in the baby bottle.
Crying uncontrollably, I cannot forgive her. She shoves the warm bottle of milk in my mouth. My milk is never safe. How do I stop people from stealing my milk!

Where Can I Buy Sleep?

By Izzy Tornado

On August 2, 2021

In 02 Months Old, Izzy's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

Do you know how hard it is to keep up with my reputation as a 2-month-old baby? After birth, I have to learn how to eat, sleep AND poop – all the while looking cute. It is exhausting. Especially since I have to wake up every two hours screaming my lungs out to get a sip of warm milk. What does one have to do to get a drink around here?! Suck a toe? Why can’t they just buy me a bigger stomach so I can drink more and sleep for a full day?

At this stage, due to the multiple interruptions, I only get to sleep 15 hours total.

Don’t even get me started about lack of sleep. A lot of people told Mommy to “cherish this stage because babies grow up fast.” I was astonished. Do these people not like to sleep? I cannot comprehend why parents would trade a full day’s sleep for 20-minute naps every two hours to tend to a baby; of course, it worked well in my favor. Sometimes, these parents even give up sleep to clean the house!

They do know that baby bottles and laundry just clean themselves, right?

I use 10-12 bottles a day and sometimes projectile vomit on the floor. Everything just self-cleans when I wake up without having to lift a pinky. The life of a grown-up is too confusing. Can I go back to sleep now? Or tell me where I can buy more sleep. Please add it to my online shopping cart while I nap. I’ll pick it up in two hours.