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Where Can I Buy Sleep?

On August 2, 2021

In 02 Months Old, Izzy's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

Do you know how hard it is to keep up with my reputation as a 2-month-old baby? After birth, I have to learn how to eat, sleep AND poop – all the while looking cute. It is exhausting. Especially since I have to wake up every two hours screaming my lungs out to get a sip of warm milk. What does one have to do to get a drink around here?! Suck a toe? Why can’t they just buy me a bigger stomach so I can drink more and sleep for a full day?

At this stage, due to the multiple interruptions, I only get to sleep 15 hours total.

Don’t even get me started about lack of sleep. A lot of people told Mommy to “cherish this stage because babies grow up fast.” I was astonished. Do these people not like to sleep? I cannot comprehend why parents would trade a full day’s sleep for 20-minute naps every two hours to tend to a baby; of course, it worked well in my favor. Sometimes, these parents even give up sleep to clean the house!

They do know that baby bottles and laundry just clean themselves, right?

I use 10-12 bottles a day and sometimes projectile vomit on the floor. Everything just self-cleans when I wake up without having to lift a pinky. The life of a grown-up is too confusing. Can I go back to sleep now? Or tell me where I can buy more sleep. Please add it to my online shopping cart while I nap. I’ll pick it up in two hours.

Warning: Please take the lesson after a nap but before a feeding. Otherwise, expect to change your outfit due to spit up.

Welcome to Dora’s 5 Min Full Body Exercise Program

By Hurricane Dora

On August 2, 2021

In 03 Months Old, Dora's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

Welcome to the beginner class for babies under three months old. All the positions will require you to lay on your back. Alternatively, you can also take the intermediate exercise program.
Warning: Please take the lesson after a nap but before a feeding. Otherwise, expect to change your outfit due to spit up.

Let’s get started!

To warm up, let’s start with a BIG stretch while laying on your back.
Extend those legs, now raise your arms above your head
Let out a loud yelp to alert the caretakers that you are up.
If you can, arch your back – this is a good technique to wiggle out of your caretaker’ss arms.

Okay, relax those muscles.
Kick your legs as fast as you can as if you are running a marathon in the air, work those glutes! This is good practice for rib kicking.
Add some momentum by flailing your arms.
Remember, you are working for an appetite, so cry for your milk! Wahh!
Let’s do that a few more reps. 3. 2. 1.

Okay, stop. Take a break. Let the environment sink in.
Turn your head to the left.
Now turn to your right.
Keep turning your head faster.
Remember, if you do this daily, the bald patch on the back of your head is your badge of success and endurance. So keep going faster!
Are the caretakers still not here yet?
Let out a loud, ear-piercing scream. Exercise your lungs!

Very good, babies! At this point, you should be panting, exhausted from crying, and very hungry.

Thank you for joining Dora’s 5 Min Full Body Exercise Program.

We hope to see you in 2 hours to continue staying AAA certified – an admirable, adorable, and advanced baby. In the meantime, remember to stay hydrated with enriched protein milk.

Warning - do not buy pullover onesies for kids under 1-year-old unless you are 110% sure you have successfully put on a diaper correctly.

Poopie Series: The Cursed Red Pullover Onesie

By Mommy Tornado

On August 2, 2021

In 07 Months Old, Mommy's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

Warning – do not buy pullover onesies for kids under 1-year-old unless you are 110% sure you have successfully put on a diaper correctly. (A pullover onesie is a shirt that goes through the head with buttons to close on the bottom.) 7-month-old Izzy managed to scar me for life with the below incident.

You have been warned.

While playing with Izzy on the mat, a strong scent penetrated my nose. I sniffed her butt. It was stinky. Yay! This is a good sign; paranoid moms like myself made sure their children have bowel movements regularly.

BUT what I didn’t realize was that the liquidy sludge had escaped the diaper and hiked up her back.

Frantically, I picked her up and ran to the changing table. What should I do first? Take off her clothes? Cut the shirt up? Izzy smiled at me. She seemed pretty content – leave her be?

My plan of attack was to take off her shirt, wipe her back, then change her diaper. I sprang into action.

First, I dug in between the feces-covered thighs to unbutton the shirt and then rolled the shirt inwards.

Then, the scariest step – I tried to pull the shirt over her head (drum roll, please!). If this were a sleeping baby, it would’ve been easy to carefully pull each hand out and then widen the collar before pulling the shirt over the head. But this was a squirming baby that just learned to roll over but still couldn’t stand yet. By the time I got her shirt off, pieces of feces scattered the changing table and hung onto her thin hair.

She also decided this was the best time to move her head from side to side.

I declared, “It is bathtime again.” After taking off her diaper and wiping the remaining excretions off her body, I ran to the bathroom with my palms cupping her bottom and plopped her into the bathtub. Daddy always seems to plan the grocery trips at the right moment; he won’t get away easily this time. We hummed and enjoyed bathtime as we waited for Daddy to come home and clean up the dirty shirt and piles of wipes still having a dance party on the changing table.

I gained a new superpower, the Rolly Polly, the ability to roll from my belly to back and vice versa

Rolly Polly Dora

By Hurricane Dora

On August 2, 2021

In 01 Month Old, Dora's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

I used to dread Tummy Time. It was one of the worst exercise programs a baby can endure at 1-month-old, unlike the one I teach. Every time Mommy announced, “Dora! It’s tummy time!” my stomach churned. She would plop me helplessly face down on the mat, squishing my face on the floor like playdoh as I struggled to breathe.

Why are you torturing me?

Although, with practice, I gained some neck strength, abs, and even arm muscles. Eventually, I could lift my head a centimeter higher than before. I could also lie on my back, gently rocking from left to right, generating enough momentum until I roll over halfway into a sideways plank for a few seconds. It required an immense amount of ab strength, balancing my left arm and leg in midair with only my right side touching the floor. But it was worth it to gain my new superpower, the Rolly Polly, an ability to roll from back to belly and vice versa.

Why would anyone choose to walk? It’s no fun at all.

With Rolly Polly, I can just roll across the room effortlessly like a runaway dice. My favorite spot is underneath the dining chair, specifically Izzy’s, where crumbs and leftovers are plentiful. I’ll snack on the dried blueberries and half-bitten toast, don’t waste it, am I right? Underneath the desk is also a good hiding spot from that monster in the ceiling disguised as a fan, what if it finally decides to eat me?

I wonder if I can request an upgraded version of this superpower to roll, pivot, AND reverse, so I won’t be stuck facing the wall all the time.

One downfall to the Rolly Polly is there needs to be a warning sound when Izzy’s thundering feet are millimeters away from crushing me as she zooms past me after bedtime, re-enacting Lady Godiva (running down the hall without clothes).

I guess Mommy’s always right; Tummy Time was good for me after all.

Born on the Day the World Will End

By Hurricane Dora

On August 2, 2021

In 00 Newborn, Dora's Stories, Under 1 Year Old

Week 2 in the Womb

When I hired this family two weeks ago, I didn’t expect that the new kid, Pandemic, would ruin all my plans. It was already a lot of pressure as the second born. Not only do I have to live up to the high standards that my sister, Izzy, placed, I also have to fulfill all of Mommy’s desires – to be a chubby, scrumptious and drama-free baby.

Unlike Izzy, who tried to attain Nirvana in the womb, my main goal is to survive the next eight months as Mommy’s worries about the Pandemic spread like wildfire: What will the world be like in 9 months? Will doctors and nurses turn into zombies? The world is coming to an end, and I am having a baby.

Month 4 in the Womb

Mommy’s imagination parades the dark womb daily: Will the hospitals have so many patients due to the Pandemic that they won’t have room for us? Should I start hoarding first aid supplies? She asks these questions while having nightmares of giving birth in a dark, empty alley next to the hospital, her screams of pain lost in the sirens on the streets as people fight over the remaining food and water.

The unknown is dark and unforgiving, eating our tender bodies slowly. I feel the sharp pain that runs up and down Mommy’s spine every time she tries to walk. I feel the shudder as she lets out a loud yelp and limps to the wall, clinging on for dear life. I sense Daddy’s helping hands as he lifts her and lays her down on the bed.

I know that I have to give Mommy hope and love. I stretched my arms and legs, practicing my kicks for the real world, letting her know that I am strong and will protect her. I can’t wait to hug her.