After the 3rd attempt, the doctors gave up. They don’t know why the epidural solution wasn’t working for me this time. As I went into labor with my second child, I imagined Team Evolution sitting around the table brainstorming the fate of human pregnancy.
Mr. Evolution: Thank you for coming at such short notice. There is a need for humans to reproduce. We must find the most expensive yet rewarding method as the only way that humans appreciate anything is through hard work. (Pause, sternly looks around the room). If they want a baby, they have to sacrifice health and time. The only decision we have made so far is that humans need to produce sexually and the baby can range from 5-15lbs residing in the belly. So throw in your ideas. Who wants to go first?
[Lots of chatter in the room]
Grandpa Time: Hamster pregnancies are four weeks, but elephants are 95 weeks. …. Perhaps human pregnancies can be about 40 weeks?
Mrs. Nature: That is fair. How much weight do you want them to gain?
Human Engineer (clears his throat): Let’s make them gain a tremendous amount of weight.
Grandma Reason: Just 25 to 35 lb. Anything more, the baby will be unhealthy.
Human Engineer (excitedly said): What about making them either crave a lot of food and get acid reflux or have morning sickness, where they throw up whatever they eat?
Cousin Practicality (casually says): That’s a good one. Perhaps also introduce gestational diabetes to limit food consumption.
Human Engineer: Do you want to give the baby a tail? Most mammals have tails.
Mrs. Nature (at the same time): Yes!
Mr. Evolution (at the same time): No!
[Everyone looks at each other, unsure of what to do]
Mr. Evolution: They won’t need a tail. They don’t have time to play with it, anyways.
Grandma Reason: Okay, let’s settle this like professionals. They can have a tail for the first eight weeks in the womb; then, they lose it. C’mon, they already have two arms and two legs; that is 20 digits!
Aunt Space (warning look): With the weight and amount of time, they will gain stretch marks on their belly. Are you okay with that?
[Mutters fill the room but eventually, everyone nods]
Human Engineer: It doesn’t make a difference anyway, their breasts will have stretch marks too due to milk production. The bigger question is, after 40 weeks, the baby will be pretty big. How will it come out?
Mrs. Nature: There are a couple of holes in a human body already. We can reuse those holes or create new ones: earhole, nostril, mouth, rectum, and urethra.
Cousin Practicality (shaking head): All of them already have their functions. It might be hard to channel the baby through those holes; we’ll have to reconstruct the entire body in that case!
Mr. Evolution (sternly says): Let’s create a new hole between the urethra and the rectum where there are a few inches of space that don’t serve any purpose.
Grandma Reason: I agree that is the least time-consuming solution. We can also give that hole a stretching capability so the baby can come out. Just like any other mammal, they will have to push the baby out, and if their hole is not big enough … well, they can snip it.
Human Engineer: Can we give them hemorrhoids, you know, swollen veins when they push too hard?
Aunt Space (exclaims): Very creative!
Cousin Practicality (timidly asks): Umm. With all of these obstacles, what if they don’t want to reproduce anymore?
Mrs. Nature: Nonsense, they will think the baby bump makes them look beautiful with my recipe of pregnancy glow. Plus, when they get a hit of pregnancy brain, they will forget the process altogether.
Grandpa Time (grinning): Along with that, give them doses of hormones to uncontrollably crave to have more children. To even it out, sprinkle baby blues hormones after the baby is born.
Grandma Reason: Good idea! After they finish nursing, let’s make their breasts droop like prunes, so they will want to have babies again to make them plump and perky again.
Aunt Space: But what if they figure out a way to make childbirth painless? Then they won’t cherish the child anymore, and there will be overpopulation.
Human Engineer: Well, looking at the position of the new hole. It is almost impossible to have painless childbirth. They need to dig 5-7cm deep into the spine to numb the epidural space of the lumbar region. Ain’t nobody that crazy.
[Everyone laughs out loud]
Mrs. Nature: Okay, here is the critical question. (pause) Who will carry the baby? Female or Male?
[Silence in the room]
Human Engineer: I vote Female. Males already have a lot of pressure to hunt and provide for the family. Plus, their balls will just get in the way of childbirth.
Mr. Evolution (without hesitation, immediately got up and said): Thank you for your valuable inputs. All decisions are final. Today, we have gifted humans the ability to reproduce. This meeting is adjourn.
Side note: During the past two pregnancies and baby training course, I closed my eyes tightly whenever they brought out the epidural needle to avoid freaking out. But to write this story, I had to research how long is the epidural needle and gasped at the image; I am glad I stayed ignorant for so many years.
