Short stories with a comical twist on the daily obstacles, aka adventures, of parenthood

Tag: breastfeed

Baby’s VIP Dining Experience

Below is a conversation between Daddy and the 1-Month-Old Hurricane Dora before breakfast.

Baby: Waah (whimpering)

Daddy: Welcome to Mommy Cafe. Did you make a reservation today?

Baby: Waaahhh (cries – level 1)

Daddy: I will put you on the waiting list. The head chef will be here shortly (Mommy is in the restroom)

Baby: Wah Waaahhh (louder cries – level 2)

Daddy: Yes, she is coming. Your meal will be ready soon. Today, we are serving the finest liquid gold with a hint of aged steak and baked asparagus.

Baby: Wah Wahhh Waaahhh (fist-fighting and screams – level 3)

Daddy: I know, it’s taking a little longer. There is no need to get physical. Yes, you are speaking to the head manager. Your complaint has been noted.

Baby: Wah Argh Wahhh Argh Waaahhh (kicking and high pitch screams – level 4)

(Mommy sat down on the rocking chair and getting ready to nurse)

Daddy: The head chef is ready. We have a mandatory dress code. Here is your bib before your meal. Enjoy (Daddy handed the Baby to Mommy)

Baby: Humph, humph (catching her breath while drinking large gulps of milk)

Fresh Milk Extraction

There is something about warm fresh milk from the bosom that makes all the worries of a 3-month-old go away. Like, what am I supposed to do with all the colors when I was used to only seeing shades of black and white? Or the giant monster constantly circling above me called a “fan”? This is a scary world. Even when I screamed at the top of my lungs to put me back into the womb, no one listens. So my only relaxing mechanism is getting fed – every 2 hours. Shout out to “Breast is Best”.

Just the smell of my mother (or her breast milk) makes me drool – no wonder why they called it liquid gold.

But it is a lot of effort to extract my meal. Do you know how hard it is to learn to lick, latch, and suck a milk guzzler at just a few minutes old? I had to use my small little mouth to hang on to that stub.

Then extract milk midair in an awkward position for another 15-30 minutes.

Sometimes when I do latch properly, my little nostril will be clogged by the breast the size of my head. Luckily, a hand always magically appears to press against it so I can breathe easier. Finally, after a few weeks of struggling, I opted for the bottle. Mother expresses it, and the extra gets stored away to age like fine wine. Work smart, not hard – you know what I mean?

Of course, nothing is free in this world; we have an unspoken quid pro quo.

As long as Mother provides a warm meal, I will reward her with my most precious creation, usually once a day. She is always thrilled when I gift her a fresh nugget and kisses me after putting a checkmark on her list.

Is she counting how many nuggets I’m giving her to make sure it’s a fair exchange?

I never got a chance to ask as I get ready to clock out with my full belly. I curled my lips up in satisfaction, falling fast asleep to the thought of my next meal.

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