poop – Izzy Tornado

Warning – do not buy pullover onesies for kids under 1-year-old unless you are 110% sure you have successfully put on a diaper correctly. (A pullover onesie is a shirt that goes through the head with buttons to close on the bottom.) 7-month-old Izzy managed to scar me for life with the below incident.

You have been warned.

While playing with Izzy on the mat, a strong scent penetrated my nose. I sniffed her butt. It was stinky. Yay! This is a good sign; paranoid moms like myself made sure their children have bowel movements regularly.

BUT what I didn’t realize was that the liquidy sludge had escaped the diaper and hiked up her back.

Frantically, I picked her up and ran to the changing table. What should I do first? Take off her clothes? Cut the shirt up? Izzy smiled at me. She seemed pretty content – leave her be?

My plan of attack was to take off her shirt, wipe her back, then change her diaper. I sprang into action.

First, I dug in between the feces-covered thighs to unbutton the shirt and then rolled the shirt inwards.

Then, the scariest step – I tried to pull the shirt over her head (drum roll, please!). If this were a sleeping baby, it would’ve been easy to carefully pull each hand out and then widen the collar before pulling the shirt over the head. But this was a squirming baby that just learned to roll over but still couldn’t stand yet. By the time I got her shirt off, pieces of feces scattered the changing table and hung onto her thin hair.

She also decided this was the best time to move her head from side to side.

I declared, “It is bathtime again.” After taking off her diaper and wiping the remaining excretions off her body, I ran to the bathroom with my palms cupping her bottom and plopped her into the bathtub. Daddy always seems to plan the grocery trips at the right moment; he won’t get away easily this time. We hummed and enjoyed bathtime as we waited for Daddy to come home and clean up the dirty shirt and piles of wipes still having a dance party on the changing table.

Calm down, Parents! It has only been five days since my last bowel movement. I can handle this. I let out a grunt as they pump my legs and massage my belly on the changing table.

“Looks like we don’t have a choice; her stomach is bulging. Let’s get the suppository ready,” said Daddy grimly.

“But she’s only 2-months-old,” Mommy murmured.

Wait, what’s a s..s…s.. sup…tory?

Mommy held a small, white container and a few towels in her hand while Daddy started taking off my diaper. She handed a clear, short rod to Daddy. Okay… this does not seem like my usual diaper change. Can anyone tell me what’s going on?!

They both took a deep breath. I, on the other hand, held my breath as something tickled my butt.

I exhaled as it glides in my butthole.

Ah! It is going to eat me from the inside out! I squeeze my butt muscles, plop, it slid out. I have to get away before it comes back. As if running a marathon, I quickly kicked my legs up and down. Unfortunately, it is a futile effort as I am still on my back.

Mommy grabbed my legs. “You’re okay, Dora,” she gently kissed my forehead as I felt that thing crawling in my butthole again. I squeezed my butt muscles. This time, it stays put… inside. I glanced at Mommy, then at Daddy.

Their concerned expressions matched mine; we were all waiting for someone to make the next move.

After a few moments, I felt a rumble. Then, as if the floodgates opened down there, I unconsciously contracted my abs and pushed. Hard.

“I need wipes, quick!” exclaimed Daddy as I felt the pressure slowly dissipating in my stomach. While the Parents frantically wipe my bottom, I pushed again. It was so satisfying, like squeezing toothpaste.

Let’s make this more fun.

I tilt my head slightly to get a glimpse over my knees, and as if aiming with a water gun, I let out a final push.

Splat. “It’s on the wipes dispenser!” both Parents yelped this time. Aww, man, that is only a foot away. I was hoping it would hit the crib across the room. As Daddy bundled me up to get ready for a nice, warm bath, I saw the traces left behind on the changing table, clothes, and lotion bottle. My first masterpiece.

Update one month later:

I am proud to announce that I had gone up to eight days straight without having a bowel movement AND the doctor said it is normal. Finally, after five more unsuccessful opportunities to aim at the crib, the parents dropped the suppository method and gave me a few drops of prune juice every day instead. It was pretty effective, just not as fun.

Short stories with a comical twist on the daily obstacles, aka adventures, of parenthood

Tag: poop

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