Kick kick kick. Wake up! Wake up! It is 2 AM. I’m hungry! The lifeless body didn’t budge.
Kick kick kick. Swinging my arms around, I tried to pivot on my back towards Mommy lying next to me. At two-months-old, moving for any distance is a challenge.
Kick kick kick. Oh, I just kicked something. Most likely the hip.
Kick kick kick. As if jumping on a sideways trampoline, I pushed hard on the rib cage. She stirred.
A second later, fingers started feeling around my face. No dummy! I want milk, not a face massage. “Wahhh!”
The fingers found the pacifier buried in my neck and shoved it back in my mouth. I closed my eyes. Satisfied.
Suck suck suck. When is the milk coming?
Suck suck suck. You tricked me!
Kick kick kick. Time to feed me. The pacifier fell out of my mouth as I started wailing.
“Okay, okay, I’m up,” still half-asleep, Mommy got off the bed and turned on the light.
I only have to kick her 15 times tonight before getting a response. Perhaps Daddy will do better when he takes the next shift.
Calm down, Parents! It has only been five days since my last bowel movement. I can handle this. I let out a grunt as they pump my legs and massage my belly on the changing table.
“Looks like we don’t have a choice; her stomach is bulging. Let’s get the suppository ready,” said Daddy grimly.
“But she’s only 2-months-old,” Mommy murmured.
Wait, what’s a s..s…s.. sup…tory?
Mommy held a small, white container and a few towels in her hand while Daddy started taking off my diaper. She handed a clear, short rod to Daddy. Okay… this does not seem like my usual diaper change. Can anyone tell me what’s going on?!
They both took a deep breath. I, on the other hand, held my breath as something tickled my butt.
I exhaled as it glides in my butthole.
Ah! It is going to eat me from the inside out! I squeeze my butt muscles, plop, it slid out. I have to get away before it comes back. As if running a marathon, I quickly kicked my legs up and down. Unfortunately, it is a futile effort as I am still on my back.
Mommy grabbed my legs. “You’re okay, Dora,” she gently kissed my forehead as I felt that thing crawling in my butthole again. I squeezed my butt muscles. This time, it stays put… inside. I glanced at Mommy, then at Daddy.
Their concerned expressions matched mine; we were all waiting for someone to make the next move.
After a few moments, I felt a rumble. Then, as if the floodgates opened down there, I unconsciously contracted my abs and pushed. Hard.
“I need wipes, quick!” exclaimed Daddy as I felt the pressure slowly dissipating in my stomach. While the Parents frantically wipe my bottom, I pushed again. It was so satisfying, like squeezing toothpaste.
Let’s make this more fun.
I tilt my head slightly to get a glimpse over my knees, and as if aiming with a water gun, I let out a final push.
Splat. “It’s on the wipes dispenser!” both Parents yelped this time. Aww, man, that is only a foot away. I was hoping it would hit the crib across the room. As Daddy bundled me up to get ready for a nice, warm bath, I saw the traces left behind on the changing table, clothes, and lotion bottle. My first masterpiece.
Update one month later:
I am proud to announce that I had gone up to eight days straight without having a bowel movement AND the doctor said it is normal. Finally, after five more unsuccessful opportunities to aim at the crib, the parents dropped the suppository method and gave me a few drops of prune juice every day instead. It was pretty effective, just not as fun.
We are delighted to offer both of you full-time positions as the Prestigious Parent Servants at the Hurricane Dora Corporation. You will have access to the All-Things-Baby department effective immediately. Please schedule your first ultrasound screening.
As discussed, we are currently short-staffed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, in-person help may be limited, but you will have complimentary on-the-job training. Luckily, your two years of experience at Izzy Tornado Company will prepare you for CEO Hurricane Dora’s arrival in nine months.
Please review the primary responsibilities and benefits below.
Primary Responsibilities Upon the CEO’s Arrival
Ability to supply free food every two hours, in the form of breastmilk or formula, at least for the first month
Time is of the essence; keep track of sleeping and feeding schedules
Provide unlimited love and care, even when the CEO burps or farts in your face
Every moment is precious. Please document memories in the form of pictures and videos
Kissing ass will not get you promoted. Frequent kisses on the forehead will do
Snip. I sat there as still as I could as if a deer in the headlights. Snip. The nail cutter slowly vibrates its teeth along my one-week-old fingers. Snip. I quickly look away, staring over Mommy’s head, trying to think about anything but the fact that I am losing the precious sharp talons that I was born with. How else am I going to protect myself!? Snip. I am screaming on the inside. Help!
“Good girl, Dora, you did a good job. Now you won’t scratch your face anymore,” said Mommy as she puts down my hand. So what if I want to scratch my face? I’ve got an itch as I whimper silently. I clench my fist; no longer are the nails digging into my palms.
Did she take the entire nail off? I don’t feel it, yikes!
“Your mittens keep on falling off; let’s use this instead,” said Mommy as she puts a sock over my hand. A sock!? How unladylike! I wave it in the air, bite it – oh no, this is a child-proof sock-mitten.
I sit there defeated, powerless over the dress code.
At least my other hand is not mutilated.
“Now, let’s cut the nails on your left hand,” Mommy said. Can she read minds too? Oh Noooo!!
Below is a conversation between Daddy and the 1-Month-Old Hurricane Dora before breakfast.
Baby: Waah (whimpering)
Daddy: Welcome to Mommy Cafe. Did you make a reservation today?
Baby: Waaahhh (cries – level 1)
Daddy: I will put you on the waiting list. The head chef will be here shortly (Mommy is in the restroom)
Baby: Wah Waaahhh (louder cries – level 2)
Daddy: Yes, she is coming. Your meal will be ready soon. Today, we are serving the finest liquid gold with a hint of aged steak and baked asparagus.
Baby: Wah Wahhh Waaahhh (fist-fighting and screams – level 3)
Daddy: I know, it’s taking a little longer. There is no need to get physical. Yes, you are speaking to the head manager. Your complaint has been noted.
Baby: Wah Argh Wahhh Argh Waaahhh (kicking and high pitch screams – level 4)
(Mommy sat down on the rocking chair and getting ready to nurse)
Daddy: The head chef is ready. We have a mandatory dress code. Here is your bib before your meal. Enjoy (Daddy handed the Baby to Mommy)
Baby: Humph, humph (catching her breath while drinking large gulps of milk)
